Presenting... THE ASSHOLE FILES!!

I don't usually share my site as a publishing medium for others. However, in this case I've decided to post an essay written by a friend of mine. Ray is a true master wordsmith, and the essay below had me in stitches. It's a pretty revealing glimpse into just how fucking stupid congress really is.  Enjoy!

Global Warming Killed My Dingo
Ray Smith - 4/11/2009
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What are the signs of the apocalypse? I think there's famine, pestilence, a lot of wars, some horsemen, and the fact that someone at some point has had sex with Michael Moore. There are splinter groups everywhere that believe many of these signs have happened or are happening, but there's one sign no one saw coming. Thankfully I'm here to point it out. There is a bill being considered by Congress right now that contains a provision that will allow people to sue the government or businesses if they believe they are victims of...wait for it...wait for it...Global Warming.

The bill, authored by the bat-shit crazy House Energy and Commerce Committee Chairman Henry A. Waxman, California Democrat, and the functionally retarded Rep. Edward J Markey, Massatwoshits Democrat, sets grounds for anyone "who has suffered, or reasonably expects to suffer, a harm attributable, in whole or in part," to government inaction to file a "citizen suit". The term "harm" is broadly defined as "any effect of air pollution (including climate change), currently occurring or at risk of occurring." So, if you think Global Warming has hurt you, or that it will hurt you, you can make a case that it's the government's or some company's fault and sue.

Well, doesn't that just take the biscuit. I knew our society had 'progressed' to a state where people were willing to push blame for just about anything onto just about anybody, but a willingness to blame the government for the Earth's bodily functions is just embarrassing. Even the whack-a-doodle, fear mongering heralds of climate woe will tell you that the human effect on the climate was the fault of just about everybody on Earth and goes back to the beginning of the industrial age. Under this mentality, who can I sue if I build my house at the foot of a volcano? Who's fault is it if I stand in front of a slow-moving glacier (presumably with a sack-lunch) and let it slowly squish me? How about if I stand in the middle of a frozen lake and wait for spring (again, a couple sandwiches are probably required).

You know what, fuck it, I want to sue the government because I feel they did not adequately prepare the landscape of the Continental United States to most effectively support a large population following the widespread damage caused by the last ice age. Clearly 'they' were aware that glaciers had flollopped around the Northwest, carving this, and pulverizing that. Where was the Army Corps of Engineers on that one? I am a victim of post-facto climate change!

Just the idea of someone calling themselves a victim of global warming makes me want to grab some welfare father of seven and choke the ever-loving shit out him just to make myself feel better. People are desperate to label themselves a victim of something. That's not new, but now we're going to give the useless victim-pushers carte blanche to splay themselves on the alter of martyrdom for ANYTHING. Because, in case you didn't notice EVERYTHING is caused by Global Warming. And the U.S. Government, under President Bush, single-handedly and purposefully created Global Warming because it would lead to aids and kill black people.

Hurricane Katrina was caused by it. That hurricane season, which was actually a very light season, was originally predicted to be a season of unprecedented hurricane numbers and ferocity due to GW. When it ended up becoming and abnormally light season, that too, was because of GW. You get a lot of storms, it's caused by global warming, you don't get any, the lack is clearly caused by climate change. El Niņo (Which is Spanish for 'The Niņo') was caused by GW, as was that that bitch of a sister, La Niņa. Other incidents confirmed to be caused by GW include: The recent earthquakes in Italy, the global economic crisis, the Tsunami, Texas and California wild fires, record snowfall in Fargo, the L.A. Riots, recent tornadoes touching down in a place coincidentally known as 'Tornado Alley', Man-bear-pig, the Taliban, the existence of the Sahara Desert, Somali Piracy, and the disappearance of some blonde chick in Aruba. If this bill passes, I'm going to sue Rodney King because I think it rains too much in Maryland. There's a connection if you're willing to find it.

Whatever happens to you in life, before you call a lawyer, remember this piece of wisdom brought to us by Mr. Dennis Leary: "Life sucks, wear a helmet".

 

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