Presenting... M40's ASSHOLE FILES.

Learn How to Walk, Asshole!

I'd like to single out a certain group of assholes for societal ostracization. I’d love to tell them, “you know who you are”, but it’s likely they don’t. These are the dumbasses who haven't figured out the "unspoken rules" of walking.

No, I’m not picking on people who limp, or people who have some kind of deformity, infirmity or other physical issues. I’m singling out those who can walk normally, but lack the sophistication and social skills required to do it in a public setting. Many of you reading this already know exactly what I’m getting at... for those who don’t, let’s lay it out in plain text.

LESSON ONE– STAY TO THE RIGHT

Walking is very much like driving. When you see oncoming traffic, stay right. It’s that simple. If we both stay right, we pass harmlessly. If not, then we get into that socially awkward maneuver where we both start darting back and forth like idiots to avoid a collision. Here’s a little news flash... I really don’t want to dance the “Moronic Mamba” with you. This only happens with two types of people. Those who are too fucking stupid to remember right from left, or those from some backwater corner of the world where they drive on the wrong goddamned side of the road. That second group can be forgiven their ignorance... once or twice.

It’s not as if society hasn’t furnished us with some obvious clues. Ever noticed that all roadways, walkways, escalators, stairs and even those moving sidewalks are all arranged such that you are funneled to the right? About 95% of the people you’ll see in public naturally stay right without even having to think about it. It's the 5% that just haven't figured it out yet... and they're really easy to spot. They're the knuckle-dragging fucknoses fighting their way through the crowd like some retarded fish in a strong current.

LESSON TWO – NO STOPPING

This lesson involves some very basic skills. It applies when a lot of people are all moving along nicely, all obeying unspoken rules of walking.  Invariably, some asshole or group of assholes will decide to stop right in the middle of it. Yup, that bottom 5% gums up the works every time. The whole crowd comes to a near halt, and everyone is forced to funnel around the clueless dipshits. They’re selfishly forcing everyone to make their way around, but they're too self-absorbed to even comprehend what's happening or even to notice the dirty looks from those who pass by. The lesson is simple... either continue to move forward, or get the fuck out of the way.

If I’m in the airport trying to get to my flight, the last thing I need is a whole family of incompetent, inconsiderate jerkoffs stopping right in the middle of a crowded aisle to circle up and start a discussion. Again, this is much like driving. If you need to stop your car for whatever reason, you don’t simply stop in the middle of the street. Well... maybe you do, but that’s the subject of another asshole file. Normal people pull over, and usually to the right. Considerate and polite individuals follow this basic premise whether walking, biking, driving, skiing, or any other form of locomotion they may be engaged in.

To sum this up, everyone's got shit to do, but always remember that your particular shit is no more or less important than anyone else's. When some clueless prick stops walking for no apparent reason and they’re right in everyone's way, he's essentially saying, "my shit is more important than everyone else's". For once, it would be nice to see one of these wankers get trampled.

LESSON THREE – CHOOSE A DIRECTION AND HEAD THERE

That’s right... pick your fucking direction, and stick with it. You people who wander in mindless, unpredictable circles drive me absolutely nuts. This seems to happen a lot around the holidays. Try to make your way to a store, and you’ll run into all sorts of folks wandering around with no purpose or discernible direction. They start, they stop, they zig and zag, and never seem to know where the hell they're headed. They’re more than likely confused by all the sparkly lights and shiny objects. Walking while looking at things is apparently rather difficult when you have the IQ of a crayon. God help everyone in the vicinity if that same asshole happens to get a call on their cell phone (see lesson four).

Be forewarned... some of these assholes will pull “crazy Ivan” maneuvers on you. You’re walking along in a crowd minding your own business, and some asshole will suddenly turn on a dime and reverse direction right into you. As if to highlight their own stupidity, they’ll sometimes give you a dirty look as if it’s your fault. This can sometimes cause injuries... like bruises to your knuckles from pummeling the snot out of them.

LESSON FOUR - HANG UP THE PHONE

Most of those who break the rules from the first three lessons are those who are yapping away on cell phones. They often wander into oncoming people. They continually start and stop because they lack the brainpower to move both their legs and their lips at the same time. They wander in circles and/or pace back and forth like deranged freaks.

Many of these idiots seem to think that because the person they're speaking to is far away, they need to yell into the phone. That's always a good indicator of a true Neanderthal intellect. You may want to steer clear of these "special" individuals.

Unfortunately, these same folks who can't walk while talking will then climb in their cars and attempt to drive while talking. Often as not, Darwin will eventually remove them from the gene pool, but unfortunately they sometimes take out others in the process. Again... a good subject for another Asshole File.

FINAL NOTE

Okay, now we're (hopefully) clear on the simple rules of walking; walk to the right, get out of the way when you stop, choose a direction, and hang up the phone. With those simple rules governing our actions, everyone gets where they need to go as quickly, efficiently and politely as possible.

Please pass this on. Make some copies, and hand them out to those assholes who seem to need the guidance.

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