M40's Humor Pages

The following is a collection of Jokes and funny items that I have collected over time. Most were emailed to me. I have no idea whether any or all of the contents of this page is proprietary to other folks. If so, please contact me, and I'll remove said item, or credit where appropriate. Thanks!

 

LIFE IN NEW ENGLAND

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

POLITICAL HUMOR

OFFICE HUMOR

ENGINEER HUMOR

MILITARY HUMOR

ALCOHOL HUMOR

 

 

 

 

LIFE IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in New Hampshire. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - New Hampshire--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love New Hampshire!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.
Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.
Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as New Hampshire!

 

 

 

 

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Facts About Men and Women

NICKNAMES - If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS - A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS - Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

His and Her guide to cash machines

       A host of new drive through cash points is set to sweep through the country, and the national association of bankers has issued the following guidelines to ensure full, efficient use of this new system when it becomes operational in the new year:

MEN:
1.      Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2.      Insert card
3.      Enter PIN number
4.      Take cash, card and receipt
 
WOMEN:
1.      Pull up to Automatic Drive Through Cash Machine
2.      Check makeup in rearview mirror
3.      Shut off engine
4.      Put keys in handbag
5.      Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6.      Hunt for card in handbag
7.      Insert card
8.      Hunt in handbag for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9.      Enter PIN number
10.     Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11.     Hit "cancel"
12.     Re-enter correct PIN number
13.     Check balance
14.     Look for deposit envelope
15.     Look in handbag for pen
16.     Make out deposit slip
17.     Sign checks
18.     Make deposit
19.     Study instructions
20.     Make cash withdrawal
21.     Get in car
22.     Check makeup
23.     Look for keys.
24.     Start car
25.     Check makeup
26.     Start pulling away
27.     STOP
28.     Back up to machine
29.     Get out of car
30.     Take card and receipt
31.     Get back in car
32.     Put card in wallet
33.     Put receipt in checkbook
34.     Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35.     Clear area in handbag for wallet and check
36.     Check makeup
37.     Put car in reverse gear
38.     Put car in drive
39.     Drive away from machine
40.     Travel 3 miles
41.     Release handbrake.

 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN & WOMEN

 
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
 
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.  And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
 
And then there is silence in the car.
 
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
 
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
 
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward..  I mean, where are we going?  Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage?  Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
 
And Roger is thinking: ..so that means it was .. let's see..February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means.. lemme check the odometer.. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
 
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it.  That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
 
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What cold weather?  It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
 
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
 
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty..scumbags.
 
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
 
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..
 
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
 
"What?" says Roger, startled.
 
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have.. Oh God, I feel so.."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
 
"What?" says Roger.
 
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
 
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
 
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
 
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know a correct answer.
 
"It's just that .. it's that I.. I need some time," Elaine says.
 
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)  "Yes," he says.
 
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
 
"What way?" says Roger.
 
"That way about time," says Elaine.
 
"Oh," says Roger. "Sure."
 
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.)..At last she speaks.
 
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
 
"Thank you," says Roger.
 
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
 
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
 
Meanwhile, Roger, playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:  "Hey, Norm, Did Elaine ever own a horse?"
 
And that's the difference between men and women !!

 

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

1. We know stuff about tanks and airplanes
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn how to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend
11. Underwear is $6.00 for a three-pack
12. Everything on our faces stays in the original color
13. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
14. We don't have to clean the apartment if the meter reader is coming
15. Car mechanics tell us the truth
16. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking, "He must be mad at me."
17. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
18.We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
19. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you just might became lifelong friends
20. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
21. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
22. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades
23. We don't have to pluck eyebrows or shave below the neck
24. A few belches are expected and tolerated
25. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
26. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
27. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
28. We don't have to give long drawn out answers, a simple grunt will do
29. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 25 minutes.

 

THE PERFECT DAY - HIS AND HERS
 
The Perfect Day for Her:
08:15  Wakeup to hugs and kisses
08:30  Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45  Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15  Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00  Light workout at club with handsome, funny, personal trainer
10:30  Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00  Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45  Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs
13:00  Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00  Nap
16:00  3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15  Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30  Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
19:30  Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00  Hot shower (alone)
22:30  Make love
23:00  Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15  Fall asleep in his big strong arms
 
The Perfect Day for Him:
06:00  Alarm
06:15  Blowjob
06:30  Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
07:00  Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30  Limo arrives
07:45  Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
08:15  DFW -Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia  (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
09:30  Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
09:45  Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45  Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15  Blowjob
12:30  Back nine Augusta (4 under)
14:15  Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
14:30  Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas  (nap)
15:15  Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female  (topless) crew
16:30  Land world-record, light-tackle Marlin (1249 lbs)
17:00  G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland
18:45  Shit, shower and shave
19:30  Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New YorkSteak
21:00  Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
21:30  Sex with three women
23:00  Massage and Jacuzzi
23:45  Bed (alone)
23:50  12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room
23:55  Giggle yourself to sleep

 

 

 

 

POLITICS

Political Truisms

These are humorous, and also true... to see more political humor, and commentary, Please Click HERE

Liberal vs Conservative Debate

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:  Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab around his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer:  BANG!

Texan Conservative's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy!"

 

 

 

OFFICE HUMOR

OFFICE ASTROLOGY

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: Simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING:  You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES:  Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can “concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY/MIS:  Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?!? It is written that the Greeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING:  One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING:  The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the office, causing the majority of rumors saying that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES:  Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Your purpose in life is not to be human, but to be a resource to management. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS":  Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager".

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:  Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers", as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager".

CUSTOMER SERVICE:  Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child, very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

CONSULTANT/CONTRACTOR:  You are Lucifer incarnate.

The World of Computers -   Conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now.
You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have
to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now
because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server
or Workstation version?"
Tech Support: "Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a
server?"
Customer: "A server. So, which one do I get?"
Tech Support: "The server version perhaps?"
Customer: "Which one is that?"
Tech Support: "Windows NT Server."
Customer: "Ok, thanks."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I can't log in to my account."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's look at your configuration."
Customer: "Ok... but I know that my User ID is case sensitive."
Tech Support: "Yes it is. Ok, what does it say in the 'User ID'
field?"
Customer: "'Case Sensitive'."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery
store."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I don't need any of that SQL stuff-I just want a
database!"
_________________________________________________
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
_________________________________________________
Customer: "Do I have to hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

 

 

 

 

ENGINEERS

Comprehending Engineers  - Take One
Two engineering students were riding their bikes across campus when one said, "Hey, where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take whatever you want."   
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers  - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!  "
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.  Let's have a word with him." [Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor said, "Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four 

Q - What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A - Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.    
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
 
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle    

Comprehending Engineers – Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. 
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. 
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. 
The engineer said, "I like both." 
"Both?"  
Engineer: "Yeah.  If you have a wife AND a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers  - Take Seven 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".  
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. 
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."  
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog? … now that's cool !!"

BALLOON

     A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
     The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground, which equates to approximately 240 feet above mean sea level. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
    "I am," replied the man below, "How did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
    The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
    "Well," said the man below, "you don't know where you are and you have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, but you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

 

 

 

 

MILITARY HUMOR

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is." 

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.  In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." 

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"  "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone." 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" 
The tower responded, "Who is calling?" 
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" 
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour".
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" 
Soldier: "Sure, buddy." 
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!  Now let's try it again!" Do you have change for a dollar?" 
Soldier: "No, SIR!" 

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?         A: He'll tell you. 

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots             A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. 

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?     A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down. 

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.  They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. 

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!  My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" 

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.  My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman,"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave." 

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.  "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"  

Military guidelines worth sharing 

1. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit" (Army's magazine of preventive maintenance) 
2. "Aim towards the Enemy" - (Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher) 
3. "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend" (USMC manual) 
4. "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground." (U.S. Air Force) 
5. "If the enemy is in range, so are you." (U.S. Army Infantry Journal) 
6. "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." (U.S. Air Force Manual) 
7. "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." (Gen. MacArthur) 
8. "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." (Infantry Journal) 
9. "You, you, and you ...Panic. The rest of you, come with me." (U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.)
10. "Tracers work both ways." (U.S. Army Ordnance manual) 
11. "Five second fuses only last three seconds." (U.S. Army Infantry Journal) 
12. "If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush." (U.S.. Army Infantry Journal) 
13. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. No inspection ready unit ever survived combat.  
14. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and never ever volunteer to do anything. 
15. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do. (Unknown Marine Recruit) 
16. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you. (Your Buddies) 
17. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. 
18. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly. 
19. Waterproof sleeping shelters, aren't. 
20. Smokeless powder, isn't.  
21. Get your first shot off fast. This may upset your enemy enough to allow you to make your second shot count.  
22. Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. 
23. Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. 
24. Peace is an extension of war by political means. 
25. You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't count on having both at once.

US NAVY

Portion of an actual transcript of radio transmissions between a US naval vessel and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995.  (Released – Chief of Naval Operations, USN – 10-10-95)

Canadians- Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision.

Americans- Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.

Canadians- Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans- This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians- No. I say again, you MUST divert YOUR course.

Americans- (shouting) THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET! WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH... I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH... OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP !!!

Canadians- This is a LIGHTHOUSE... Your call.

(End Transmission.)

 

 

 

 

 

ALCOHOL HUMOR

BEER WARNINGS
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

 

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex- lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name and/or species you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more attractive, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Franz.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Designated Driver

A cop decided to wait outside of a local bar one night. Drunk guys came out of this particular bar each night, like rats from a sinking ship, to drive home.

It was closing time, and several of the guys coming out looked like good targets to the cop. Suddenly, one guy stumbled out of the bar, and fell face down on the curb. The drunk got up, pulled out some car keys, and began stumbling around, trying to find his car. He went to one car, then another, and another. He continued on this way, falling down, and unsuccessfully trying to unlock cars for about 20 minutes before he finally found his. By this time the parking lot was pretty much empty. The drunk, got in the car, started it up, and pulled out.

The cop immediately pulled him over. When the cop got to the car, the man calmly asked, “What seems to be the problem officer?”

The cop screamed, "Get out of the car!! You're under arrest for DUI !!"

The cop made the drunk blow a breathalyzer test, but amazingly, the results came up 0.0.

He retested, and the same thing happened.

The cop was stunned, and asked, "How the hell? I saw you… you were dead drunk!"

The guy said, "Oh that? Well, you see… I'm the designated decoy!"

Drinks & Personalities

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.

Drink: Wine (does not  include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and  sophisticated, but  actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Male addendum - The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

 

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